The problems we have in this country ain't problems with the system. They're problems with human nature. Bill Clinton ain't that much different than the rest of us when it comes to coverin’ up mistakes.

It just ain't popular to take responsibility for your actions. On occasions when a person is struck by conscience and admits their failin’s in public, they ain't admired for their honesty. They're seen as flawed even though they have held themselves to a higher ethical standard than the rest of us. Everybody knows the whole story about their neighbor's failin’s...but most folks are a mite less forthcomin' about their own. People who acknowledge their weaknesses make us nervous because their admissions threaten to expose our own shortcomin's. After all, underneath the armor of our self-righteousness, we all have somethin' to hide. None of us is without sin.

Now, this don’t mean we should accept a liar and a philanderer as the President of the United States. That job is supposed to be held by one of our best, not an average Joe. But, layin' this whole mess at the President's door is a little tricky seein' as how we elected him. It would be easy for outsiders to consider us American citizens accessories to his crimes. After all, as many philanderin' Presidents as we have had in the past, it’s hard to plead ignorance.

Everybody feels bad about all this ugliness in our government. There’s enough shame to go around. Most of us would like to avoid any responsibility for the actions of our government but that is hard to do since the government is us. It’s a tricky problem but if our national image is goin’ to survive, we need someone to blame for it. We could accept the responsibility but it would be a lot safer and less trouble to find some sappy fall guy to take the blame.

This is why I, Sackfield Brewer, have decided to sacrifice myself for the good of the country. If we are goin’ to have good government, we the citizens will have to go out and get it ourselves. I have been on this here planet almost 194 years...longer than anybody else I know. If somebody has to take the rap for America, it might as well be me.

I admit it. I'm the one that messed up this whole country. In fact, I have made a pretty sorry mess of the whole planet. First, as a responsible voter in a representative democracy, I would like to acknowledge that I let a fellow get elected President that sometimes thinks with the wrong part of his anatomy and then lies about it. I let Mr. Clinton get re-elected and I apologize. He is a man. Give some men enough rein and they will often act like that. I knew it was damn well time a woman was President before this mess happened and I went on and elected a man anyway. My actions were unforgivable.

Secondly, I want to apologize for allowing a bunch of politicians into the United States Congress who put partisan power struggles before the good of the nation. I let them get away with divertin' their attention from important problems facing America and with distractin' the President from dealin’ with important global issues. It was me. I did it. I have shamed myself and my family and there is no excuse for my behavior.

Third, as a journalist and a consumer, I am humiliated by my participation in the sad dog and pony show that has been put on by the media. I watched it on TV and read more of the prurient garbage in the newspapers, thereby supporting the unfair, unbalanced and often downright vulgar coverage with my attention.

Kids are starvin’ to death in Africa. Nuclear weapons are proliferatin' in India and Pakistan. Overpopulation and pollution threaten to end civilization. There are important stories, good and bad, all over the globe and I spent my time readin’ about stains on Monica Lewinsky's dress. In fact, I have let tabloid journalism overrun the government of my country. Our leadership has been debased and humiliated and it is all my fault. I take full responsibility for my actions. I have let the American people down.

I am so glad to get this off my chest. They say confession is good for the soul and they must be right ‘cause I feel like a new man. In fact, it would not be honest to stop there. I also want to say that I am sorry about the apple thing back in the Garden of Eden. I tempted Eve to sin and regret my actions. I also apologize for all the wars down through human history. I am trying to learn how to keep my temper and work with others but even so, my behavior has been inexcusable. Vietnam was a big mistake and I should have never sent our boys over there.

I see now that I made some errors in judgement. I should not have indulged in slavery or imperialism or colonialism. I have exploited native peoples all over the planet and that is wrong. Even worse, I have become a tasteless, obnoxious tourist who wears bright bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts and refuses to learn the language.

Corvairs, disco, the Brady Bunch, the Valdez, Watergate, Jerry Springer...all my fault. Jesse Ventura...don’t ask! I don't know what I was thinking.

All I can say is that I have come clean and am trying to do better now. I ask for the forgiveness of my fellow Americans... but if such is not forthcoming, at least, now that the true culprit has been exposed...perhaps we can get on with the nation's business... please!