The sport of gossip gives you a special feeling of superiority that is hard to get any other way. Takin’ other folks down a peg when they’re not around is much easier than tellin’ ‘em what you think about ‘em to their faces... and you’re much less likely to get punched in the face.

Yet, despite these positive aspects to the sport, gossip is unfairly maligned. It’s true that gossip is nothin’ but a thinly veiled attack, but if you are goin’ to be good at any sport, you’ve got to be aggressive. Gossip is getting talked down unfairly. All kinds of preachers and people who are otherwise fine upstandin’ folks seem to have problems with it. They go around criticisin’ the game and claimin’ that gossip is mostly untrue and causes lots of damage.

These busybodies don’t understand the thrill of passin’ rumors and the agony of getting caught; the rush of adrenaline one feels when a really juicy tidbit begins to circulate; the special camaraderie that comes with sharin’ a nasty bit of character assassination with another. They just don’t appreciate sports.

It’s like Yogi Berra said, “You can’t think and hit at the same time.” Sport requires sacrifice. If you are goin’ to gossip, it is best not to think about the results.

Sure, gossip may cause all sorts of innocent people to be hurt but that’s true in any sportin’ event. Look at race car drivin’. Why, ever once in a while, one of them fast cars runs off the track into the grandstands and kills a few spectators. Sure, people get hurt but they don’t go cancelin’ the entire sport of racing do they?

Hockey has its fist fights. Soccer has its riots. Baseball fans are always getting beaned. Horse racing fans become compulsive gamblers. Front row boxing fans get covered in blood and sweat.

Sport is a serious business and athletes must go all out to win. In that kind of competition, somebody’s gonna get hurt. What do you expect? It’s not like sportin’ events are just children’s games.

That’s the way it is with the sport of gossip too. To get the best of your neighbors, you have to play hard and play for keeps. That’s why true gossip athletes never let truth get in the way of the competition. First off, the truth is usually not very interesting and second, most of us don’t care if gossip is the truth or not. In fact, we are disappointed when we find out a particularly vicious rumor is not true. It’s kind of like a missed field goal in the last two minutes of the game...a real let down.

Gossip is a great team sport. Unlike most athletes, top gossipers are not selfish glory hogs. They generously contribute to the sport without drawin’ attention to themselves. In fact, you can tell a great gossip by their refusal to take credit for their rumors. They seldom use their real names, even when spreading their most damaging lies. Talk about selfless team players!

Gossip is much more of a team sport than football. Why, just look at the passing. In football, you can only make one forward pass on each play. In gossip, you can pass that rumor all over the countyside. Hundreds, even thousands of people can play. It is also the only sport where the ball changes every time you pass it. Serious competitors know that in a good game of gossip, a rumor can grow and grow until a bit of casual criticism becomes a back-stabbin’, career damagin’ attack that takes the victim years to overcome. It just takes the right spin, good timin’ and bad intentions...all basic skills in the excitin’ sport of gossip.

Many people think that baseball is the national pasttime but it’s just not true. All you have to do is watch network television to find out that gossip gets the most coverage. You can start off the day with coffee and fresh gossip on the morning shows. Next, it’s the soap operas with their fictionalized gossip. Then the networks roll out the talk shows and the sport’s heavy hitters. All across the nation, millions of fans cheer the incredible play of the world’s most finely tuned gossip athletes. These folks are olympic-grade liars every one, and an inspiration to us all! The game of gossip has always dominated the media.

Even the news programs are getting in on the sport. I remember when the network news pretended to present “only the facts.” Modern television journalists have wised up and joined the tabloid print media in covering the sport of gossip. Is this a great country or what?

So the next time you’re thinkin’ about being straightforward with a neighbor or a friend, going directly to them with your issues and being honest, think again! It’s that kind of namby-pamby weak-kneed integrity that ruins the sport of gossip. Just think, if everybody went around tellin’ their neighbors the truth and tryin’ to work out their problems in a civilized manner, what would we all do with our spare time? How would we be able to feel superior to others without having to prove it? How would we be able to smear people we don’t like without having to take responsibility for it?

Next time you feel a twinge of conscience and consider tellin’ a neighbor the truth about your opinions, stop and think about someone other than yourself. We’re all in this together. One weak link in the chain of gossip can ruin it for everybody.

When someone passes you a nasty rumor, don’t check with the victim to see if it’s true. Don’t keep it to yourself. Be a team player and pass it on.